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Disappointments, beauty in everyday life

The job that I wanted more than anything turned me down yesterday. I got the wonderful, "Thanks but no thanks" letter in the mail. Like a 5 year old I cried walking home from the mailboxes. I realize there was 52 applicants, and out of that 52 I was chosen with a group of 13 to be interviewed. I didn't make the second cut. He was going to pick a group of 6 to interview a second time. There were TONS of qualified people applying for that job, I guess I should be grateful I even made it to the first round of interviews. My downfall was that I have no system experience. It's hard to go up against people who have been working in Criminal Justice and have a criminal justice degree. My Penn State degree helps me get a cut above the rest, but doesn't get me past those with experience.

Everyone including my fabulous husband and best buddies AND MY mom did a fabulous job cheering me up yesterday. Wes and I went for ice cream with the dog. I honestly had a great time, I ended up dropping my scoop right into the dogs mouth, and ended up splashing ice cream everywhere on myself, in the car, on the dog. Wes started laughing at me and my mess, so I threw ice cream on him. I seriously almost peed my pants laughing. I love moments in life like that. In so many ways I am so lucky to have the wonderful life I do.

I applied for Treatment specialist for Dauphin County Prison. It pays better than the probation position and its closer. Well see what happens. This economy is terrible. I am so lucky to be where I am as it is. And It's not that I dislike my job, I actually really enjoy it, I just want to work in my field and get paid better money.

For now I'm going to keep applying, keep my head up, and enjoy what I have in front of me!

An End, a long time coming.

After 5 years I will be ending one of the most important chapters of my life. College. What a crazy journey. Reminiscing today I thought back to the day I left my house almost 5 years ago for the big college adventure. My car was loaded down with almost everything I owned, Nicole and Deb leading the way to start something I only ever imagined would happen.

When I was a little kid, probably 6 or 7 I asked my mom about college. At that time I wanted to be a lawyer, and most importantly I knew I wanted to go to Penn State. My mom said college was really expensive, especially Penn State. But my heart was set and my mind made up, being the ultra nerd that I was and still am today, I wrote Penn State. I wrote a letter asking Penn State how much tuition was, and how desperate I was to go. Yep not even in middle school yet. In a few weeks I actually got a letter back from Penn State, no lie. They wrote about how interested they were that I had written at such a young age, and that they would love to have me in a few years. They also included the years current tuition record for my mom. I remember looking at the letter and realized how big that number was. I could see the dismay at the cost. She told me "If you want to go to Penn State your going to have to work real hard and get a scholarship". I may have been a kid but I knew what that meant, not a chance in hell.

Last week I asked my mom if by some miracle she had kept that letter. She had not. But it really speaks to how much college has meant to me. My mom was the first person in our close family to graduate high school, and for me to finally graduate from Penn State is a miracle in of itself. Slippery Rock was so influential for me. I was able to define myself on my own, and figure out who the adult Lindsay was going to be. I met the love of my life, and had some of the best moments in my life. College was everything I wanted it to be. What an experience, an accomplishment. While most people are really excited to graduate college, it means so much to me I can't even explain it. Sure, I'm saddled with debt, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. It's shaped who I am, how I look at the world, and my understanding of everything I know. I am not the same person I was when I entered college my freshman year. I'm an improved version of myself with more self-esteem, confidence, and understanding.

I really can't believe its over. I really can't believe I'm going to graduate from Penn State University with a bachelors degree in Criminal Justice, graduating the upper end of my class with a minimum of a 3.0, if not a 3.5. I can't believe I'm seriously considering taking my GRE for graduate school. I believe in myself so much more now. No one looks at me as, there's that Lindsay girl, the trouble-maker, the kid who never cared. I really have followed my dream so far, and it has not let me down. I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

I wish I could really thank all of those who gave me the courage to do what I have done. Thank you.

And to those who thought I would fail, Gotcha suckers!

Married Couple Survey!

What are your middle names?
Lindsay Marie and Renard Weston.

How long have you been together?
A little over four years.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Actually dating? Perhaps a week, maybe less.


Who asked who out?
I think I made it "official", but Wes was showing me off to his friends before that.

Who said I love you first?
Wes. I'm pretty sure.


Who' s siblings do/ did you see the most?
Wes' for sure.

Do you have any children together?
No.

What about pets?
Yes! 4 ferrets (Tiny, Chubby, Mystic,and Fonzi), a cat Hex, and of course our doggy Wicket.


Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Usually money related I panic, and Wes calms me down. It works out.


Did you go to the same school?
Just same colleges.


Are you from the same hometown?
Nope!

Who is the smartest?
Wes would say me, and I would say Wes. In actuality its probably about equal, just different strengths and weaknesses.



Who is the most sensitive?
Me. But not by much.


Where do you go out to eat most as a couple?
Hmm. We like to make our rounds. Probably used to be Kokomos. :(


Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Hawaii!!


Who has the craziest exes?
Draw! I have quite a few weirdos. Wes has less, but more weird.


Who has the worst temper?
Me. By a million miles.


Who does the cooking?
Wes.


Who is the most social?
Wes. Wes likes to make friends with strangers, at bus stations, grocery stores, bars, it doesn't matter.

Who is the neat- freak?
Me!


Who wakes up earlier?
Depends. Me usually.

Where was your first date?
In my dorm room in SRU!

Who has the bigger family?
About the same size. Wes' family is closer and less crazy.


Do you get flowers often?
Sometimes. In the spring Wes has always picked me flowers illegally from other people's yards. Its cute. I love daffodils in the spring!


Who do you spend the holidays with?
Depends on the holiday. Always with Wes though.


Who is more jealous?
Me. I'm not very jealous anymore.


How long did it take to get serious?
Less than a month.

Who sings better?
Probably Wes. He would say me. I wouldn't be taking my ass on American Idol that's for sure.

Who does/ did the laundry?
Me. Wes forgets about it.


Who’s better with the computer?
I'm better with programs, Wes is better with hardware.


Who drive s when you are together?
Mostly me.

Who picks where you go to dinner?
Dear god. Who ever gives up with "Wherever you want to go, I don't care".


Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?
Probably Wes.


Who wears the pants in the relationship?
I do.


Who has more tattoos?
We don't have any!


Who eats more sweets?
Wes!

Who cries more?
Me.

Review of 2008 with a survey...

Stayed single almost the whole year?
Nope. Four years of not being single. And an infinity to go :)

Kissed someone new?
Nope.

Done something you've regretted?
Probably, small things. Not important enough to remember. I don't regret anything major in my life.

Lost someone?
Yes.

Cut class?
Indeed.

Were involved in something you'll never forget?
My life.

Visited a different country?
Nope.

Cooked a gross meal?
Don't doubt it.

Lost someone important to you?
Yeah. Nana died this past year. I miss Nana. She was a good lady.

Tripped over a coffee table?
Yes, and much more.

Dyed your hair?
A few times.

Came close to losing your life?
No.

Went to a party?
A few.

Read a great book?
Many.

Saw one of your favorite bands/artists live?
No concerts in the past year. Sad I know. Thats something I would like to do in the upcoming year.


2008: Friends and Enemies

Did you meet any new friends this year?
Yes. Erin and Pam.

Did you dislike anyone?
Yes.

Did you grow apart from anyone?
Unfortunately yes. Lisa.

Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships?
Nope.


2008:Your BIRTHDAY!

Did you have a cake?
I hate cake. I had cupcakes!

Did you have a party?
Yes.

Did you get any presents?
Yes. Honestly don't ask me what I got though.


2008: All about YOU

Did you change at all this year?
Yes. I think I've become more open, happy, and fun-loving. I'm trying to not sweat stuff I can't control. Not get bent out of shape about things that don't matter. I'm doing well.

Did you get your hair cut?
Yep.

Did you change your style?
If you mean fashion. Not really.

Were you in school?
Yes. College.

Did you get good grades?
Always. I rock.

Did you have a job?
Yes, I got promoted! I'm boss lady!

Did you drive?
Yes! To Baltimore, to Western Pa,to Washington D.C., to Philly.

Did you own a car?
Technically the bank owns it. But as of next year this time that wont be the case!

Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't think so.

Did you move at all?
Nope! 2 years. No moving.

Did you go on any vacations?
Went on day trips. No actual vacations.

Would you change anything about yourself now?
I would like to loose weight, but other than that, nope.


2008: Wrap UP:

Was 2008 a good year?
Pretty good. It had its high points, promotion, planning our wedding,fun summer, and the a few low points.

Do you think 2009 will top 2008?
I think so. First year as a married couple!


I confess that in 2008 I...
( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) kissed in the snow
(x) celebrated Halloween
(x) had your heart broken. (Family members)
(x) mooned someone. (Does wes count?)
( ) went over the minutes on your cell phone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) done something you've regretted. (Nothing serious)

OTHER
( ) painted a picture
( ) wrote​ a poem
(x) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog on MySpace
( ) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2008 I...
( ) broke a promise
( ) fell out of love
(x) lied
( )cried over a broken heart
( ) disappointed someone close (At least no one I'm aware of)
(x) hid a secret (Minor stuff, going away parties, secrets)
( )pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
(x) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) given up on something/someone important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it (Sashimi)
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
( ) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
(x) had a fist fight
( ) went to the beach with your best friend(s)
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people

5 Years coming!

As long as I don't screw up and fail any classes this or next semester I will be graduating in May! I can't believe it, 5 years in the making, and now I can almost smell it. For a long time I felt like graduation was never going to come for me. I'm so overwhelmingly thankful, excited, and overwhelmed at the prospect of graduating. I said versions of overwhelmed twice in that sentence. I'm awesome. Next semester so far I only have 4 classes scheduled. It should be a pretty easy semester. I also got the okay to take Intro to Logic instead of a regular math for my quantification credits.

WOOT.

Next semesters classes so far are: Ethics, Juvenile Justice System, Intro to Logic, Wellness Theory. I'm also going to schedule myself for an online class Securities Administration when it opens up online. Only four classes I will actually have to attend in person. All should be a breeze. The only one listed thats going to give me any degree of difficulty that I can see if Dr. Ruiz's Ethics class. He's a hard-hitter, but hes also my adivsor, and loves me as a student.

I will be the first person in my entire family either side to graduate college.

Soon I will need to start thinking hardcore about what I want to do with my degree. And eventually get on the ball with sending out resumes and signing up for state examinations for specific positions.

Becuase I'm insane...

I just emailed my professor for my gangs class. He's a really cool professor and happens to be the head of Intership and outside studies. I really did not want to leave my college experience without at least seeing if its possible for me to do an internship. Internships in criminal justice are usually about an 80% shot at being offered a position after you graduate. I really want to see if its feesible for me.

I KNOW WHAT YOUR THINKING... I already work full-time and go to school full time. A friend of mine here only did her internship a few hours a week here and there with the Probation Office. I want to see what he has available. They are never paid, i know it seems like a waste.

Here's some of the ideas I have:

1. Couselor- DCP or Camp Hill Prison.
2. Probation Parole MH/MR.
3. DCP Camp Hill MH/MR Services.
4. Victims Services, Sexual Violence Counselor Intern.

It doesn't hurt just to check it out... :)

A gift.

We met Wes' mom and dad for dinner tonight at Red Lobster. After being told that we were going to have a half hour wait wes' mom suggested her and I run over to Best Buy to pick up a charger for her camera since she forgot hers at home. So we picked up her charger and on the way back in to the resturant Joyce hands me a box. It was the cutest little silver necklace that says "Family is like fudge" on one side and "Mostly sweet but with some nuts" on the other. It really made me smile. She talked with me that day after all the shit went down with my mom. I told her I loved it and she didn't have to but she says those are the best kinds of gifts, ones that you don't have to, like christmas or a birthday.

Really it just felt so good. I feel special!

Spite

My mom is now coming next weekend out of spite. I told her I didn't want her there if she's going to attempt to make me miserable the whole time. She of course will hear none of it and is sticking to her guns. What she doesn't realize is that If she even tries to upset me or make a scene there are a room full of angry women waiting to shoot her down and tell her how it is.

Really, I'm just tired. I just want a peaceful, enjoyable, lovely afternoon, with the people I care about. My mom of course seems to be on a path of destruction on this one. I still have a feeling that she is going to back out at the last minute on this. That's what she has always done, and I would almost rather perfer it at this point. I know if she doesn't show up or if something goes wrong she's going to blame me. I'm really tired of being pinned as the selfish, blame-ee.

I don't know where I would have been without the support of my friends and family through all this. Just everyone's reassurance and talking with me about it really helped me through everything. I couldn't ask for a better support system.

I really don't know if I have it in me to forgive her and start over again after this. I don't know how much more I can take from her. I don't want to turn my back on her but at the same time, I don't want to face something like this again.

I'm going to have an amazing weekend off this weekend. And an amazing weekend next weekend. Fuck my momma drama. Fo shizzle.

The Nerve

I have been trying to get ahold of my mom the past couple of days to see what her plans are for the 28th and its official she has been avoiding me. I know in my heart of hearts that she't not coming. I realize that there probably is not a picnic that she has to attend to. I just want honesty and the truth. I sent her a very civil, non-emotionally charged email a few days ago, just asking if she was able to re-arrange her plans. No answer. I gave her a call tonight before my night class and I got the voicemail. I left a very non-charged message, with no angry tone. Again no call back.

To my surprise I find out that not 15 minutes after I left the message she had attempted to call Nicole. To bitch about me no doubt. Nicole of course didn't answer. I don't know why she seems to think that Nicole is somehow going to support her in this one.

I have no idea why she can't just tell me herself that she's not coming. I want to believe that this is because she has guilt about not coming. That of course is my own self-preservation technique. I think shes just avoiding me becuase she doesn't want to deal with it on any level.

I have tried so hard over the years to try to rebuild our relationship, only to be shit on once again. This is not how you treat your only daughter. I don't deserve this. But to quote a House-ism, No one ever gets what they deserve.

I sent her one more non-emotionally charged email tonight. If I have no response by tomorrow evening I will be sitting down tomorrow evening and telling her exactly how I feel. I realize it will fall on deaf ears, I realize that I may be destroying whatever relationship I have tried so hard to create. But I think I need to do it for me.

Upset

So my mom is going to ditch my wedding gown party. She has a picnic to attend...